Making controlled effort to resist urge to save dryer lint for future purpose.
Entry from 11:45 pm MONDAY / 19 Feb '01 ::
...yes, but am i healthy enough? am i breathing enough? am i taken seriously by myself and by my friends and coworkers? and am i thin enough to believe it doesn't matter? and do i maintain eye contact, but not too intensely? am i unstable for laughing all alone? am i forgetting the right amount of the past to make room for the present? and what about the future? do i wear the right size and shape of shoes appropriate to the day's weather? maintain sincerity without vulnerability? present a facade of composure yet devilishness? consume enough seaweed? eat enough chocolate? am i lying to you? am i in tune with the moment? am i unique yet stylish? am i showing too much? not humorous enough? fearful of commitment. why do i fake smile like this? and sometimes look away nervously? have i lost sight of things? is it me or the neighbors that are really rude? am i too nice to be sincere? should i be more sincere and less nice? am i faking it? betraying my discomfort? spending my time wisely? spending my money foolishly? consuming too much caffeine? enough calcium? and what's feverfew? do i need feverfew? black kohosh? shark's cartilage? cat's claw? ginko? chromium? red meat? are these apples really organic? am i laughing genuinely at least 60% of the time? am i wrong for acting like i don't care as much as i do? do people consider me a valuable way to spend the afternoon? do i sing or hum off key? do i act like i know too much when i know i am right? am i smart or knowledgeable or intelligent or merely relearning continuously? do i take compliments that aren't intended as such? am i insensitive? did that dream about death mean anything? do i care what taxi drivers think of me? what is the right kind of mother to be? do i notice the details? do i yeild with compassion, or from insecurity? should art come from great ease or consistent struggle? did i sunbathe too much as a 16 year old? am i maintaining good credit? do i overtip? seize the day? misrepresent my intentions? possess honest motives? brush too hard? do i ask too much? ::